Sometimes I wonder if me wanting change is a bad thing. In a general sense, I think of change as a good thing: changing behavior, changing habits, etc. But I have to wonder, is my wanting to change things dissatisfaction? Is it selfish for me to want change, am I unhappy with the blessings God has given me?
I hope not. I do tend to desire to do many different things, and then become bored with them. On the other hand I cannot help but think that it is a frustration in complacency. I may only be 19 years old, but already I feel like I am swimming in a body of stagnant water. I and the people around me are stuck in the routine, and breaking habits is a constant struggle I face.All of this is so frustrating to me.
One of my biggest frustrations is something that I put to the back burner. Tonight at church, the message spoken reminds me of this burning passion I have against my life. I live inside of the church. I serve there and love God with my whole heart. These are very good things, until I realize that I am replacing people with deeds.
I am such an introverted person, that it is way too easy for me to serve by myself, and not speak a word to anyone. But if I continue doing this, how will I tell people about Jesus Christ?
The most liberating thing happened the other day, actually two days in a row. I had 2 people in the same coffee house notice that I am a follower of Christ, and both asked me my views on Christianity and Government. This could not have been a coincidence! I believe this is God showing me how beautiful it is to tell others about Him.
I realize how utterly lame this must sound, considering many Christians have been approached about their faith before. But for me, a quiet as I said before, this comes as a revelation. One I have been struggling to accept all these years. The revelation that I may have something worthwhile to say to someone, and about my Love!
I have also been encouraged lately to pursue something I never thought I'd have a desire to do. I am still weary about it, but my anger against my complacency right now almost makes me want to forget all my inhibitions and pursue that dream. I want so badly to leave all of my "big-picture" thinking behind and just live life. I am always so engrossed in planning ahead that I think I unknowingly take my life out of God's hands and place it in mine. This is a scary place I DO NOT WANT TO BE.
I need change, I need to leave!
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